Walnut Grove, Minn.-Recent reports indicate that Charles Ingalls once again has demonstrated that violence is okay as long as it is for a good cause.
Upon recently learning that his children, Laura and Albert, had run off to help their ailing friend Dillon see the Pacific Ocean, Charles tracked the children down and decided to aid them in their trip. About to be thrown off a train, Charles beat up the conductor.
“I really had no choice,” Charles insists. “This boy is dying and he just wants to see the ocean. You know, there ought to be a law that dying kids get to ride trains for free to fulfill their wishes. I mean this guy is talking about a few bucks here, and we’re talking about the end of this kid’s life. I had to punch him just hoping to knock some sense into him.”
Charles does wish to point out that while he felt this was a case of justified violence, he still likes to avoid it if there is a way.
“It’s just really fortunate that we ran into that newspaper fella and he gave us money for a train ride back, because I do not want to go through that again just to get home,” Charles comments. “I would punch again if I had to to get home, but taking this guy’s money works too.”
Carrie Ingalls, in some of her most formative years, just wishes that her father would punch someone to benefit her sometime. Instead, Carrie sits at the table patiently waiting for their return so she can open the rest of her birthday presents.
“[generalized gibberish],” Carrie explains. “[more gibberish of an increasingly hard to understand nature].”
At press time, William Randolph Hearst was wondering why the story Charles told him didn’t include beating up a train conductor and insisted he may have given him more money if he had known it was in fact such a juicy tale. Meanwhile, Charles was just hoping for a chance to someday soon punch a man who he will later welcome to the family as his son-in-law, stating that “a guy’s got to have dreams, after all.”
