Being Known As Dying Boy Comes As Relief To Albert

Walnut Grove, Minn.-Albert Ingalls, recent recipient of a fatal diagnosis, reports relief.

“If I’m going to be honest, it’s pretty great that this whole death thing overshadows everything else,” Albert comments. “For a really long time, I was known as the boy who burnt the blind school down, which was really stressful and not even entirely my fault.I mean, Clay totally pressured me into smoking and he’s the one who cast the pipe aside, but since he pretty much disappeared afterwards I’m the one who bore the brunt of that.”

In the months following the fire at the blind school, things did not improve for Albert.

“Then there were those rumors that I fathered Sylvia’s child,” Albert continued. “I could live with people thinking that about me, but it started to feel like I could never be known for good things. Then of course I was known for being addicted to morphine and slapping Miss Plum.”

As Albert notes, since he learned he was dying, people treat him differently. “Yeah, sure, it’s a bummer that this happened right when I was going to go to college, but at least my impending death completely overshadows all previous wrongdoing. Everyone looks at me and sees a dying boy, and that is just such a relief. Plus my death turned the town around and made them all work together, which is a great legacy that can overshadow my previous reputation, especially when it comes to the blind school fire.

At press time, Jeb Carter wondered why everyone remembers Albert slapping Miss Plum but totally ignores that Albert basically punched his lights out that day.